I am getting demotivated, again

I am more than half-way through the semester. This is my first after taking a break. I have two classes that give a grade of 65 when you are absent. The 65s can only be crossed out when you can provide a medical certificate. Imagine my joy when I caught an infection which left me with a high fever and exanthem for more than a week. Finally, I can skip school, rest, and have my 65s erased after a few hospital trips. I know I should not be happy, but rest is rest. 

I once had a professor in undergrad who told us that allowable absences are our rights. It’s our free time to do whatever we want. Since then, I tend to max out my allowable absences to rest. This is why I hate mandatory attendances. I hate failing a class just because of attendance. This is one of the reasons why I stopped for a semester. 

Even with my monthly trips to my psychiatrist and my daily medication, everyday is a struggle. She (my psychiatrist) is even taking into consideration that I may have Inattentive ADHD. Imagine the struggle! For years, I thought it’s my depression that made me what I am today but after more than a year of anti-depressants, it may be, just maybe, ADHD all along. 

And now, my free rests in between my weekly hell of law school is gone, too. 

Generally, law school is hell for everyone. For people with mental health issues, a 10th ring of hell opens. I thank the heavens for professors who understand our struggle. But old-fashioned ones believe that tough love is the only way to survive law school.

I’m in my fourth year now, but the subjects I’m taking are for second and third years. Nosy relatives are already pressuring me to 1. Graduate; 2. Pass the bar; and 3. Get married. There are also other people telling me that I am wasting my parents’ money by taking a few classes every semester (and even taking a break) and traveling. In short, I reek privilege. 

True, privilege gives me an upper boost to those who are struggling financially. I am beyond thankful for that. They don’t take in consideration that I cannot control what to think and when to think (see my psych’s consideration of Inattentive ADHD). There are things in this world that I have but there are so much more that I don’t which the others have. 

Rest is probably one of the most neglected things to do right now. Hustling and learning new things everyday is expected for everyone. Pulling all nighters to finish a work or a lesson is the norm that shaming people who sleep is the practice. 

Taking a break

Trigger warning. Although I tried my best to downplay stuff.

I took a break. This year could have also been the start of my fourth year in law school, had I not transferred schools and took the normal load every semester. After being a regular student during first year, I decided to continue my law school journey with lesser load, almost half of the normal.

This is because of my anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed back in college and even went counseling. I had to stop though, because of the busy schedule. Before graduating on my Bachelor’s, I was warned by people that law school would worsen my condition; that I can’t handle it. But I continued.

It was during my third year when I started seeing my psychiatrist. I started on meds. On some days, the meds helped, but often times, it’s just the same as before. My first semester as a third year was probably the semester I performed best (after dropping a subject). But I also got tired. Second semester came, and it was bad. Worse that I tell my psychiatrist, my friends, and even my SO. Downplaying everything takes so much of my already low energy. I failed 3/5 subjects that semester. I know I studied hard, but it’s not enough to fight my demons.

I decided to take a break. I admit, I envy my batchmates (in undergrad, my first law school, and my second) for taking review classes. I am so left behind. I even have to take the classes I failed.

I am trying to tell myself, as the others have told me, to take the steps in my own pace. I am trying my best to believe it. I am trying to take care of myself so I can be a lawyer when I’m ready (preferably on my first try, please). Still, it’s hard to convince myself while fighting these demons.