I am getting demotivated, again

I am more than half-way through the semester. This is my first after taking a break. I have two classes that give a grade of 65 when you are absent. The 65s can only be crossed out when you can provide a medical certificate. Imagine my joy when I caught an infection which left me with a high fever and exanthem for more than a week. Finally, I can skip school, rest, and have my 65s erased after a few hospital trips. I know I should not be happy, but rest is rest. 

I once had a professor in undergrad who told us that allowable absences are our rights. It’s our free time to do whatever we want. Since then, I tend to max out my allowable absences to rest. This is why I hate mandatory attendances. I hate failing a class just because of attendance. This is one of the reasons why I stopped for a semester. 

Even with my monthly trips to my psychiatrist and my daily medication, everyday is a struggle. She (my psychiatrist) is even taking into consideration that I may have Inattentive ADHD. Imagine the struggle! For years, I thought it’s my depression that made me what I am today but after more than a year of anti-depressants, it may be, just maybe, ADHD all along. 

And now, my free rests in between my weekly hell of law school is gone, too. 

Generally, law school is hell for everyone. For people with mental health issues, a 10th ring of hell opens. I thank the heavens for professors who understand our struggle. But old-fashioned ones believe that tough love is the only way to survive law school.

I’m in my fourth year now, but the subjects I’m taking are for second and third years. Nosy relatives are already pressuring me to 1. Graduate; 2. Pass the bar; and 3. Get married. There are also other people telling me that I am wasting my parents’ money by taking a few classes every semester (and even taking a break) and traveling. In short, I reek privilege. 

True, privilege gives me an upper boost to those who are struggling financially. I am beyond thankful for that. They don’t take in consideration that I cannot control what to think and when to think (see my psych’s consideration of Inattentive ADHD). There are things in this world that I have but there are so much more that I don’t which the others have. 

Rest is probably one of the most neglected things to do right now. Hustling and learning new things everyday is expected for everyone. Pulling all nighters to finish a work or a lesson is the norm that shaming people who sleep is the practice.