Taking a break

Trigger warning. Although I tried my best to downplay stuff.

I took a break. This year could have also been the start of my fourth year in law school, had I not transferred schools and took the normal load every semester. After being a regular student during first year, I decided to continue my law school journey with lesser load, almost half of the normal.

This is because of my anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed back in college and even went counseling. I had to stop though, because of the busy schedule. Before graduating on my Bachelor’s, I was warned by people that law school would worsen my condition; that I can’t handle it. But I continued.

It was during my third year when I started seeing my psychiatrist. I started on meds. On some days, the meds helped, but often times, it’s just the same as before. My first semester as a third year was probably the semester I performed best (after dropping a subject). But I also got tired. Second semester came, and it was bad. Worse that I tell my psychiatrist, my friends, and even my SO. Downplaying everything takes so much of my already low energy. I failed 3/5 subjects that semester. I know I studied hard, but it’s not enough to fight my demons.

I decided to take a break. I admit, I envy my batchmates (in undergrad, my first law school, and my second) for taking review classes. I am so left behind. I even have to take the classes I failed.

I am trying to tell myself, as the others have told me, to take the steps in my own pace. I am trying my best to believe it. I am trying to take care of myself so I can be a lawyer when I’m ready (preferably on my first try, please). Still, it’s hard to convince myself while fighting these demons.